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Apr. 9th, 2012

so lent is over, and facebook sucks.
i didn't give it up because of that, it's just what i learned while i was gone from it and then came back. am tempted to delete again, but i'm just a little too nosy for all that. suppose we'll see.

i have a new love anyway: tumblr. it's a little more my style, i think.
here is mine.

also, there is a boy. he already has a girl, but he says such lovely things to me.

"you exude something wonderful that just makes everyone around you happy. it is something natural and beautiful."

oh dear.

lent. damn.

i gave up facebook for lent. this is only the first day and i'm feeling very cut off from the world, i got hardly any emails and no one texted me and i feel so LAME. i'm sure it'll get better and i'll probably reach out more for interaction either in person or over the phone instead of the internet, but in the meantime i'll be trying to suck it up. probably posting on here more too haha. i've been blogging for longer than i've been social networking, so perhaps going back to my roots will be a good thing?

to update from my last entry, i broke up with my ladyboyfriend at the end of january. it was extremely messy and sad and frustrating and it took me two attempts before he'd accept it. he'd had an anxiety attack the week before, ostensibly from overeating at a cookout (i know, i know) and i had to visit his pansy ass in the emergency room and he kept having smaller attacks all week leading up to my breaking up with him. initially he thought it was some nerve issue in his stomach, but it became clear it was just anxiety-based. guess he knew it was coming, poor bastard. after breaking it off and giving him what i thought were solid reasons- you clearly feel more strongly for me than i do you and i'm not comfortable with that, plus i don't see a future with us so we should end it sooner rather than later- and also mentioning the "you're a vagina" thing (though he assured me that was just a front, he did it for laughs/to get a rise out of people.. ridiculous) he still wouldn't let it go. a week after the breakup he messaged me saying that we needed to meet up so he could get something off his chest. i indulged him, and what i ended up being told was that i have a brain chemistry issue, dopamine specifically, that is prohibiting me from being with someone past the honeymoon period of a relationship, and he thought we should get back together so he could help me "fix" that.

needless to say, i declined his offer, and after much back and forth in which i refused to listen to his psychobabble and he refused to listen to my logic, he gave up talking to me for lent. so at least that aspect of the 40 days will be peaceful and easy.


Oct. 31st, 2011

i am so pissed that my stomach hurts and i am on the verge of tears.

it's been two weeks since the boy and i had sex due to various scheduling conflicts and too much grad school work for him. this is fine, it happens. but what should not happen is me offering to hop in the shower and come over as soon as he finished his paper and getting a response of "just stay there and relax dear. it's late anyway."

no fuck that. fuck dating someone with a lower sex drive than me. i did not enter into this relationship to sit at home writing godforsaken livejournal entries instead of getting laid on the regular. one can say that men have to deal with this all the time and they don't get any sympathy either, but honestly i feel they have it easier with that. yes women can be moody and not want to have sex unless the timing is right, but that's a documented thing that is socially acceptable and does not reflect badly on the man. but in my case, and the cases of all women who get turned down by someone who DEFINITELY likes and is attracted to them is a big slap in the face. it means you're not sexy enough or you're not good enough or interesting enough for them to make the effort. and in this case no effort has to be made by him except opening the fucking front door for me and taking off his pants. no driving, no money spent, nothing. but he still can't bring himself to do it.

obviously i am overreacting and he's probably just drained from stressing over his paper but jesus christ throw me a bone here. and it will be at least another two weeks before we can do it again anyway because of my uterus expelling its lining soon in addition to my having to get a cervical biopsy done later on this week and needing to heal that before i can resume normal sexual activities. I AM GETTING MORE PISSED I NEED TO STOP TALKING NOW

damn you interwebs

so i've been talking on and off with this guy for about six years, we never really made concrete plans to meet up, he'd just pop up every few months or so and we'd chat, then be on his way for a while again. then about a month ago we started talking daily, and it was clear there was a mutual interest there, so we made plans to meet up finally. he lives in asheville, about three hours west of me, and has his own place so i planned to just go there and we'd spend a weekend, provided he didn't seem homicidal. the first weekend got nixed because he caught the flu, the second one did because we both had to work, and the third didn't happen because he disappeared.

few days before he did this, i noticed him initiating conversation less but still responding whenever i talked to him, and decided to not talk to him for a day to see if he said anything. he didn't. next day i look at his facebook, only to find that it has been deleted. i text him, no response. he's not been on AIM, and he wasn't on the voter registry (super stalker ftw) so he either was commandeered by the government or he was not who he'd said he was for the past half a decade and therefore decided to evaporate.

very disappointing, he seemed a fun, intelligent, attractive guy with just enough baggage to be interesting, and i like road trips and flings. such is life i suppose. thought this poem was rather apropos:

Mad Girl's Love Song
Sylvia Plath

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

yay no picture required for today.

Day 08- Short term goals for this month and why

-eat better/drink more water- because i've gained weight and i don't like it.
--finish putting my room back together- i rearranged it and it still isn't neat and tidy and therefore makes me feel a little scattered myself.
-do my state taxes- been putting it off because i will more than likely owe money =(
--sow some more wild oats- because it's fun
Day 07- A picture of someone/something that has the biggest impact on you

i love her, so much. in case you are not awesome/not from america or canada, that is sue johanson and she's been a sex educator for practically ever. i saw her show (talk sex with sue) for the first time in high school and it made a huge impact on me. i'd always been very candid about sex and with answering questions anyone had, and seeing her taking calls from strangers and helping people to learn more about their sexuality and sex in general was super inspiring. it was then i realised that i could make money off talking about sex, and it started me on my current path to being a sex therapist!

six of thirty

Day 06- Favorite super hero and why

i don't know that i've ever thought about it... but i suppose batman, just because i grew up watching movies that portrayed him, starting with michael keaton's version of him.. super sexy. i like that he doesn't really have any super powers, just great fighting skills and intelligence and a phenominal R&D team.

if i could have any super power, i'd have the ability to be invisible. being able to fly would be great and all, but with all the publicity that'd come with it.. no. i'd rather be able to become invisible and melt into the background, eavesdrop on people, be able to board a plane to scotland and not pay a dime. so many possibilities.

day 5/breakup.

Day 05- A picture of somewhere you’ve been to


jamaica! had the opportunity to go in may of '10 with the family i was nannying for, and it was such a beautiful place. a very lonely trip for me, but i loved it just the same.

also, i'm single again. last weekend i was supposed to go out for a friend's birthday and i told jason about it, but when the time came to actually go i demotivated and decided to stay in. i texted jason and told him as much, and his response was "are you sure you're not just trying to gently blow me off?" to which i said "yes i'm sure but you can feel free to check all the bars in winston, i won't be there but it would give you something to do." such an asshole. i had given him NO reason to not trust me, so his comment was totally out of line and made me very angry. we didn't have any contact for the rest of the weekend, and then he missed our class on monday so i texted him to make sure he was alive, and he was. i asked him if we could meet up to talk, he asked what about, i said us... and i got no response. more of the same for the rest of the week until after class on friday, when we decided to break up as we were walking to our cars.

i asked him if it bothered him to have such little contact all week, and he said no, and i told him i felt the same. he said that we got into the relationship too soon, i agreed, and added that while our age difference didn't have a large impact, it still had some affect and that it would probably be best if we ended things. he agreed, and i said "so i guess this is us parting as friends?" and he said yes. we hugged and that was that. went better than i imagined it would, but i still cried as i walked back to my car. it's tough closing a chapter in your life, no matter how short, especially one so intimate. i will miss him, and our closeness, but i hope that we will make better friends than lovers.

Jan. 23rd, 2011

Day 04- A habit that you wish you didn’t have

i always eat, late at night when i'm bored and sleepy and nothing is going on. i can't stand it because that's the worst time to eat, there's no point in it, but it's SO hard to stop myself. i'll eat the weirdest things too, like crackers with horseradish and cheese, or masses of cheerios, or pickles... and i can't imagine that i've been pregnant for years and not known it, so i guess i just have an eating problem. for lent one year i gave up snacking, so i would only eat three meals a day and after dinner i could have nothing else. SO hard. i also just ended up overeating for my meal and didn't lose any weight at all. bastards.
Day 03- A picture of you and your friends

i'm the second girl from the left with the yellow shirt. that trip was so much fun, we got snowed in in the NC mountains and just got hammered for three days straight. a bunch of people went skiing and whatnot but i'm a chicken/cheap so there was none of that for me!